Don't Ask Me
by VampAmber
Summary: It's a story I wrote a wee bit back, based on all the Mary Sues floating around in the land of fanfiction. And darn it, I just wanted to write funny but not insane story for once! No romance yet, and if there ends up being some, it will NOT be with Legola


Author's Notes: Ok, yes, I know, it's been a very long time since I've put up chapters of any of my other fics, then I have the nerve to put up a new story. Yes, I know, but it was already finished so I figured I'd put it up (if I can ever find a way, that is, kinda lacking online right now). Anyways, if you wouldn't mind, I'd LOVE it if you guys told me if you wanted me to continue this. I'm not sure if it's worth working on any more, so I need advice. Just leave a little review, or email me. Either way works. But if you don't think I should continue, would you mind giving reasons why? Ahh, yes, thanks again for even reading my stories. I love you all for it, and I'd thank my fans if I thought I had any.

Disclaimer: Ok, don't own shite, you KNOW that already! Tolkien owns some stuff, other people own stuff, but I own nothing. Must go cry now…. *Really needs a boyfriend* Gah…

A/N 2: I made all the stuff up about Erin, Jamie, and sandy, so don't even bother looking for it. It's completely fictitious, and if it accidentally DOES resemble someone else's work, I apologize, and I'll change the names if I need to. Also, I wouldn't mind reading it, cuz I wanna know how I came up with stuff that already existed.

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Legolas looked around, petrified. He was being chased by fangirls, and these ones must have been on the track team at some point, because they ran fast and didn't get winded easily. Damn. He ran and jumped into a tree, hoping that the branches would hide him from the four fangirls running through the forest after him. 

Looking around, the four girls wore equally confused expressions. "Where'd he go?" Asked the taller looking of the two blondes. 

"No clue, Tiffani. Let's keep looking," said the one that had red hair. Having an IQ of about 35, she was definitely the most intelligent of the group. They ran off then, calling out Legolas' name, as if he were stupid enough to answer them. "Yes, I'm right here, please come and tackle me senseless!" Yes, he was that stupid. 

He counted to one hundred, giving the girls enough time to be far-gone. Then he hopped down from the tree, still looking around to see if one of the girls had stayed behind. Coast being clear, he started walking back towards Rivendell. Almost there, he spotted a young girl with blonde hair and wearing jeans, something he had learned fangirls wore. Training his eyes directly on her, he waited for her to make a movement to run after him, screaming his name. 

But instead, she just stayed sat there. From the book she had lain across her lap, he could tell she had been reading. And instead of the usual romance novel or Behind The Scenes: The Lord Of The Rings Movie book, it was actually a real book. And to make matters more amazing, it wasn't even fiction. It was hardcover, and the title read "The Complete History of the Australian Continent". Very odd reading indeed. But it could be a decoy book. And that look she was giving him. Not lustful at all, just pleasantly confused. 

"Aren't you going to chase after me?" Legolas asked, confused about this strange girl.

"Why?" she asked, her voice, while not as perfect as those Mary Sue people that wandered around, had a very vague hint of an accent. 

"Because that's what you girls do. You chase after me, or Frodo, or Aragorn." He was getting very confused now. This girl wasn't going to chase him? Or tackle him? Or even scream his name and faint?

"Oh, is that all?" She asked, picking up her book. She looked back up from the book for just a few seconds, a smile on her face. "You're the first character I've met since landing here about an hour ago." With that, she went back to her book, turning one of the pages. 

He walked over to the girl, taking careful steps, just in case she was just a really good actress. But she never once took her eyes off her book. As she turned another page, she glanced up for a second, then saw that the elf was still there and smiled again. "You're still here?" She asked, putting her book back into her lap.

"You sure you're not going to chase someone? Because they always chase someone, even if it's Elrond or Samwise," said Legolas, still not believing the authenticity of the blonde's cool, calm exterior. "Have you even been to the city yet?"

"Not yet. When I got here, I figured that it might get dark soon, so I found a tree and sat down to use what remained of the reading light. Is the city nice? I've read some about Rivendell, it seems very pretty." She brushed the hair out of her eyes, fluffy bangs that went down to about her nose.

"You said Rivendell. And not Rivendale, or Revendell, or Rivendel? Are you sure you're normal? The girls who normally come here can't spell whatsoever." Legolas just did not understand this. How could this girl be so different from all those others? "And also, what is your name?" He added on the question, expecting to hear some incredibly made up Elvish name or maybe a Hobbit-y sounding name, a flower or jewel or something.

"Erin. My name's Erin. And if I know the movie and the books well enough, you're Legolas. And from what I've read, you're dealing with fangirls and self-inserted characters. They can get pretty scary from what I've read."

"So you know of this plight that Middle Earth is going through, then?" Legolas asked the girl. She pushed a chunk of blonde hair behind her pointed ear, and nodded. Legolas didn't even care that this girl was apparently of those girls that came as elves, because there were so many of them.

She smiled, then looked up at Legolas expectantly. "Can we maybe see the city now?" She asked, seeing the sun starting to set. Only a few more minutes of reading light left, at best. She put the bookmark into her hardcover, saving her place, and stood up before Legolas even answered.

Seeing that she wasn't really going to wait for him, he muttered "Sure," and started off after her. He caught up to her, and kept pace for a few minutes, both figures walking in silence. "How exactly did you end up here, if I may ask?" Legolas said, breaking the silence. She looked over at him, and was about to answer when a noise was heard from the tree above them. Legolas was reaching for his bow when a stifled giggle was heard. A screaming thing came jumping out of the tree, yelling something sounding remotely like "Bonzai!". The figure then proceeded to land on both Legolas and Erin, still giggling.

Legolas was trying to reach for one of his daggers when Erin screamed. Not out of terror, but of anger. "Jamie! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" The figure let the two up, still giggling.

"I didn't do nothin' Er. I just thought it'd be funny, is all." The girl said, and now that Legolas could see her more clearly, he saw that she looked almost exactly like Erin. Same facial features, same build, and the same hair color, only hers was cut much shorter than the long hair of the Elvish Erin. She was also wearing clothes that were much different than her sister's. It was obvious they were sisters, because no one could look that similar and not be sisters, if not twins. 

While Erin wore a pair of blue jeans and a faded gray sweat shirt, Jamie had on black leather pants and a bright purple top, which made the earring in her eyebrow show up even more on her pale skin. Her short, spiky hair was as blond as Erin's was, and there was a long braid hanging down from behind her ear. Her expression almost seemed to say "Insane, and loving every minute of it". A sword-looking thing, minus the blade, hung from her belt loop. Legolas didn't know why it was missing its blade, and was about to ask her about it, when Erin spoke up, making introductions.

"Legolas, this is my sister Jamie. From the looks of it, she's here as Jamie the Jedi." Jamie smiled at this, and nodded.

She pulled her light saber from her belt loop and lit it up. Legolas jumped back at this, not wanting to get injured. Jamie just giggled again. In a sing song voice, Jamie said, "I've got a light saber. I've got a light saber."

"What exactly IS a Jedi? And how exactly are you here AS a Jedi? The girls who come here usually come here as the characters they put themselves as in their stories." Legolas said all this, still watching the light saber, afraid that it might be able to hurt him even at this distance. 

Jamie grinned evilly, and started edging towards Legolas, but Erin quickly butted in, stopping her sister in her tracks. "Jedi's are from an entirely different place than Middle Earth, but our sister wrote Jamie as a Jedi, so she's a Jedi, I guess." Seeing the look of confusion on the elf's face, she tried to explain further. "Our sister is the one who wrote us into her stories. Her name's Sandy and she writes really awful stories. And since she can't really come up with her own characters, and she can't write the original characters very well, she uses her friends and family instead of coming up with her own characters. Like back when she wrote Pokemon stories, she used our cousin Jared as a reoccurring character. And now that she's seen the Lord of the Rings movie, she's been writing non-stop, bad stories where she or her favorite character always gets Aragorn. The one she put me in was this wretched fic where an elf maiden, by the name of Erine," she stopped talking for a minute to giggle over the elven name of Erine. "Well, she ends up at the Council of Elrond for some inane reason, and gets sent with them, because 'With ten members, the nine raiths will be out numberd'." She makes a gagging noise after quoting what her sister had had Elrond say.

"Poor Sandy can't spell very well. Then again, she's also only in the sixth grade, so that could account for some of it," Jamie said, while her sister was still making the gagging motions. Looking saner than she had the entire time she was here, she started talking again. "The fic she put me in was the worst. A Jedi named Jamie-Wan, which in my opinion is the stupidest name ever created, got caught in a wormhole and crash-landed on Middle Earth. And of course, she fell in love with Aragorn, who turned out to also be a Jedi. She never was very good at telling stories. Always got bad grades on her stuff at school, too. Poor dear." With that said, her veil of sanity seemed to lift away, being replaced with a devil-may-care grin and a not-quite-there look in her eyes. 

"She should be around here somewhere. She wrote herself into about three fics, always as a beautiful elven princess from a far away land. Princess Sandelwin, was it?" she asked her sister. 

Jamie just shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno, I only read the crap she forces me to read. I always ran the other way when she finished another insertion fic. Those things were really awful." Lighting up her saber again, she started shadow boxing, a few leaves getting in the way, becoming dust in just a few seconds.

Legolas then, not wanting to be impolite, edged closer to Erin and asked her under his breath, "Was Jamie's character written as insane?" He almost regretted asking, because it was so impolite, but he wanted to know if Jamie was dangerous.

"Naw," Erin replied. "She's always been crazy. I just think other stories are starting to blend as well. Cuz one time, for a class project, Jamie wrote a parody of her own life, where she was completely insane and nobody noticed. Really odd piece of weird, but it was also pretty funny. And from the looks of it, she kinda got mixed with the parody story Jamie when she was sent here." She paused for a second, taking a quick look around. "Speaking of, any idea on how exactly we came to be here? Cuz I'm completely stumped." Looking around again, she smacked her sister on the top of the head and yelled at her about not trying to torture the poor woodland creatures with her light saber. 

"Jamie! Don't torture the animals! Light sabers are not toys!" She yelled at her sister, who just looked pleased.

"Are too," Jamie said, almost pouting.

"Well, they aren't torture implements," Erin said, trying to get this argument back on her side.

"Are too," Jamie said again, this time in a slightly mocking tone.

"Ok, yes, good point I guess," Erin replied to her sister, shrugging her shoulders. Jamie looked smug. "Just don't mess with the damn innocent animals, ok?" Erin yelled. Her sister just stuck her tongue out at that. Jamie walked off, and Erin went back to her conversation with the elf as if she had never been interrupted. "So, as I said, any ideas on why we're even here in the first place?" 

Legolas, who had watched the whole argument, a somewhat stunned look on his face, just shrugged. "We, being the original characters, have been trying to figure that out since this all began. And as it goes on, it's only been getting worse. Do you realize how aggravating it is to be asked, on more occasions than you'd like to count, why you aren't 'with' Aragorn?" He said, face looking somewhat sick.

"That's just creepy," Erin said in agreement. "Most slash is, though." She shuddered just thinking about it.

Jamie jumped over to them just then. "Didn't ya say somethin' 'bout going to some city or somethin'?" She asked, using so much bad grammar she could've killed an English teacher. 

"Yeah, back..." Erin said, her voice trailing off. "You've been following us since back at the tree?" She yelled at her sister. 

Jamie nodded. "Yup. And boy was it fun, watchin' ya without you knowin' I was watchin'." She giggled quickly, and started skipping off in the direction of Rivendell, giving the two no choice but to follow. 


End file.
